07 Jan Who Determines Your Worth?
Who do you find in your life that you continually allow dictate your self-worth? Is it your friends? An ex boyfriend? A spouse? A family member? A while back I had someone comment to me that my blogs were very one sided… that I was only portraying one side of the story, and that story was vastly unfair. In all reality, I can only portray one side of the story because that side is the side I have experienced… But I’m not going to lie, it seriously hurt me knowing that someone had a critical view about my honest words and all too real experiences. I try to pour out my thoughts in an attempt to help other girls escape the negative cycle of emotions I had felt stuck in for far too long. It sat unsettled with me for a while, quite a while actually… way longer than it ever should have. I admit that I let the comment of someone who was basically a stranger to me, effect my view of my blog a little too much. So much that I even gave up writing all together. I let once again, what some random person thought about my blog, dictate my worth. It discouraged me. I took it way too personal. I started to doubt what I was doing and if this is really where God had called me to be. I started to really think about this dilemma and how it mirrored my life. It took me back to those dark darks days where I constantly let what other people thought of me dictate my self worth. So why did I let this person plant this seed of doubt in my head? Why did it bother me so much about what others thought?
I realized that deep down I was so scared of failure, scared of not being liked, and scared being considered unworthy enough to write my experiences. I realized that I really did care what everyone thought. I was scared that once again, I was not living up to some unrealistic expectation that I had dictated to myself I had to achieve in honour to be considered good enough. I felt like I was not as accomplished as I thought I should be at that specific point in my life. I mean, I am almost 29 and single… If I was going to be single, I had dictated that I needed to at least be successful in something! So, what are we supposed to do when we feel defeated? When we feel like we have no purpose, and we feel like what we are doing doesn’t matter?
After weeks of letting these questions fester within me, I soon came to realize that I was letting the opinion of someone else control my reality. It truly did not matter what this person thought- about my blog, or about me. One person’s view of me cannot dictate who I am. I had to learn to stop caring about what everyone else thought about me. Once again, the disease to please had reared its ugly head. But God showed me that in life we are always going to face opposition. Someone is always not going to like you, like what you are doing, or like how you are living your life. But what we as women need to learn, is that we need to stay true to who we are, and who we are called to be!
God has such a beautiful life planned out for each and every person. It doesn’t matter who you are, or where you are at in your life. We all are put here on this earth for a specific and important purpose. We have worth in Jesus, even if you don’t feel that way at this very moment. We may struggle day to day with finding our purpose, or even struggle daily to find our worth. But that doesn’t mean that we don’t matter and aren’t loved. It can be hard to accept the love HE so freely gives when you’re at a low point in your life. But we still need to know that no matter the circumstance, we are worth more than rubies in Gods eyes. No matter what the world says, we are all fearfully and wonderfully made! Our worth should never be dictated by some person who doesn’t know us or by some boy who doesn’t care enough to really care.
I have such a special and tender place in my heart specifically for girls who have been broken by boys who don’t see the value of the girl standing in front of them. It breaks my heart to see these beautiful girls give all of themselves to boys who don’t appreciate their value and beauty. It’s a shame that these boys are so blinded and broken themselves that they don’t think these girls are anything more than someone to mess around with until the next “good” thing comes around. What’s an even bigger shame is that girls think they aren’t worthy of a man who treats them like they deserve to be treated. I’ve been there, and it’s not a fun place to be. Feeling like you don’t matter unless you have the attention of a boy is a lonely place. I realize that not every couple works out, but there is a difference between a healthy breakup and stringing someone on because you’re afraid of being alone. If a boy isn’t going to treat you how you know you deserve to be treated, then ladies move on. Seriously! If he is causing you more heartbreak than happiness, say goodbye! The longer you hold on to an emotionally unavailable man who doesn’t respect you, the more time you are wasting from finding the one who will. This may be cliché, but ladies it is the cold, hard, honest truth!
The pressure to fit into a perfect cookie cutter mold of the “perfect” woman in 2019 is so unrealistic. Yet so many of us strive to be that woman. The woman that social media dictates us to be. It’s so easy to lose the beauty that is really your authentic self when you start comparing your worth to women who seem to have it all. Comparison is the thief of joy, after all. You are never going to like who you are if you set unrealistic goals of who society dictates you should be. What is so wrong with the girl staring at you from the mirror? God made you. God loves you. You may not be the prettiest, or the skinniest, or even the funniest, but those little quirks that you try to hide, are exactly what makes you so special and authentic. When you stray from your authentic self, I truly and honestly believe you are only hurting yourself. How exhausting is it to play make believe all day, every day? (hint: it’s exhausting!) Soon you get so used to playing pretend that you lose who you truly are, and when that happens it is near impossible to be honestly happy with your life.
I struggled with the feeling of shame for who I was for as long as I can remember. I never liked who I was, so I found my new identity in drinking at a decently young age. It was easy to hide behind the party girl identity. You didn’t have to feel anything, you drank your problems away. It was easy to make friends when you’re the life of the party. It’s easy to play make-believe when you’re not of sober mind. But soon that lifestyle became unfulfilling and I tried to fill the empty void I felt with myself by searching for my validation in boys. I thought all I needed was a prince charming to come save me, sweep me off my feet and magically everything would be fall in to place. But this didn’t ever happen, and all I ended up with was a string of boys who were searching for the same thing. Together in our brokenness we created an even bigger mess, leaving one of us with an even bigger wound when the so-called relationship came to an end. We were both looking to fill a void that was only ever meant to be filled with Jesus.
Others DON’T dictate our worth. Jesus loves all of us equally. He doesn’t give His love in pieces. It’s not insecure love. It’s not shameful love. It’s not love given based on convenience. It’s not here today, gone tomorrow love. It’s empowering, self identifying, flaw including, shameless love. The greatest tragedy in life is not experiencing the true all-encompassing love of God. Don’t miss it because you are ashamed of who you are. Our worth is not found in our accomplishments, it’s not found in some boy, and it’s not even found in this world. If we allow circumstances and people to determine our worth, then guaranteed at some point, we will be let down. But if you root yourself in Jesus, then my dear, you’re going to find your worth and identity on a whole new unshakeable level.
I’m sure there are many people who think what I am doing is stupid and that maybe my blog won’t amount to much, and maybe it won’t… but at this point in my life it has been confirmed to me time and time again, that I am doing exactly what God has called me to do during this season of my life. Sharing my view on singleness, and my reality of how I let certain types of boys dictate my life for way too long. I’m sharing how I struggle daily with finding myself again, all with the hope that others can make the discovery too. So, if I can help just one person realize that God’s love for them is so much greater and deeper than the so-called love they think they are getting from an undeserving boy, then that’s a big check mark in the win column for me!